find myself cyclically returning to the word "latent". it's been a while since i've written here. my brainspace is tangled terribly. everywhere i move is pain. it's not eels, which is worse. it's this sort of crushing horrible ever prescene Thing, pressing the life out of me. i suppose latent is sort of apt to describe the now since i am dormant. i'm not in my element. the pain is definitely because i'm realizing that, just like the hunger was present because i realized i was starving. i think on that front i'm doing better but unfortunately some type of hunger always follows me. dual ones this time. physicality & ... i don't know what i should call the other one. my mind jumped to "catstrup" but i feel like this is more twisted than that word. i suppose it's sort of like a bloodlust, but that's more the feeling it evokes in me.

i'm not in a very good place right now i don't think. but it's sort of hard to categorize that when i'm here, since there are good things and i'd rather focus on those. the tangle is strangling me though, and bloodlust & physicality are getting stronger and more present every day. i find myself in the throes of frustration more and more commonly, and that things are getting harder for me to do. physicality is something i've dealt with before, but i really do not have a good solution for it and it could actually kill me. but my brain and it are at an impasse and so i scrounge, essentially. sometimes all you can do is scrounge i suppose. but that's not really living.

bloodlust is far trickier. i. i'm going to transfer schools. or, more accurately, i really want to. but there are axioms that exist, and are contradictory, which is terrifying and part of the tangle.

1. my classes are taught poorly (for the most part) & there's no way for me to get good teachers consistently

2. the insitution i'm at is crushing my beautiful mind and there is zero way i'm going down without a fight.

srry i just went to go draw dynamics as a beautiful woman so i could fight back a little. ripping and tearing of the hard cold steel shackles holding me down with my ceramic teeth and believing hard enough that they're flesh that i sink through them into the sweet bliss of blossoming copper and gushing life. thisis why i think i have to name that hunger bloodlust.

3. while this instituion is bad, who's to say that anywhere else would be better. maybe i'm just insane.

4. i don't think i can get into other places.

5. if i think i'm good at things and make wonderful things (art, teaching, work, etc.) but no one thinks they're wonderful, i haven't made wonderful things.

6. but i can't stomach that because i know they're beautiful. but i also know that they objectively aren't.

i don't know what to do. i ache so bad. i shouldn't be here, i shouldn't have been here. i hate myself for being here. i had no other option. what do you do when everything you can do is pain. how do you live?