it's been a long time since i wrote something angel related because it's been a long time since i've thought about my angelhood. it's something that rests lightly on me, gently there- drifting, calming. i like to think my angelness comes through my writing. my triples (the lists), my parentheticals (too many), overuse of semi-colons, colons (a new, exciting friend of mine), and, of course, the endash. that little poetic rebellion that no one could ever stomp out. i dunno what i'd do if i didn't write in triples. anyway.

i've had an angelic rebirth, i think. i've had a redeath once. well, a rebirth and redeath. you could call my initial clutch to angelhood a rebirth, but quite frankly, it was so sensical and seamless that i didn't consider it that. high school was my first redeath. the crushing pain of living a lie you're so good at telling, no one even noticed (although, tan(x), people are woeful something awful at noticing things. it's quite impressive, really, even when i'm not lying). and the rebirth was college, clean and simple. and it was joyous. completely premeditated. textbook. this is your sign to do testosterone, kids.

but this is a different kind of redeath rebirth. it's like my body was killing itself without noticing. maybe it's like smoker's cope. love the cigarette, hate the cancer, type situation. but i couldn't believe it was bad. well, really, everyone said it wasn't. which wasn't something i was in control of. and so i was dying. and it was painful. some other deaths happened too. tunshi. etc. and at a point, i just broke. i couldn't hope anymore (which is an angel's heartbeat, if you didn't know). i've been living in this mire, this deathless lethe asphodel space. maybe R1. i thought life was just going to be like that, really. but today, i think it might have stopped. i might have figured it out.

it ebbs and flows, rebirth. nasty stuff. to get your heart started, usually you need a cosmic defibrillator, a trained cherub etc. etc. and even then the whole thing ends in reams of paperwork all the way up to the archies. but i'm a guardian angel, and i think there's so little communication between us that the study has been sort of scattered. and i think we have some extra tricks up our sleeves. maybe the proximity to humans. maybe the tenacity of earth. i dunno. but i think something's happening... i hope it's for the better.