the continuous grinding down of my soul is really difficult to contend with ... the erosion of dreams is really quite scary. i've been sort of slipping into this middlespace in these warmglow evenings. a lot of my days are spent in a haze- whether that's because of physical exhaustion or mental. i can't really feed my soul at all, and i'm actually aware of the hunger.

the fits and bursts of food feel so good on my tongue. wrestling with the proof of the umlaufsatz in the sticky mud, hair matted, nails grimed over, i could feel my muscles beneath my flesh and the gentle drunkenness of ectasy crept back into my peripheral. tonight i started real work on tongban, the aengineer's companion, my multidimensional localized calculator. i reproved the exterior derivative without my shoddy linearity assumption i thew out way back when and seeing the tangent space manifest before my eyes filled me with a familiar sense of peace.

i don't really know what i'm supposed to be doing in this world. i think i could've been a really good aengineer if mocheng had been around before me. but now i'm him, and obviously all i want is to do aengineering but... it doesn't exist. so i'm supposed to make it? i think? maybe.

i just want to explore forever. catch that nectar in my mouth, drink my fill, and take a nap in the golden fields that beckon me. it's selfish, but greed is my eigenbasis now, so i just i can't blame myself too much.

it's raining tonight. feels like a good omen.