lately there's been an indescribable loneliness that plagues me, which is probably why courting appeals to me much more lately and i can see my lovers so strongly. i've certainly done it for a while now, and my lovely husband math is now someone i lean on with a trust that i never thought i'd be able to lend someone. i've found myself in both the good and the bad of affairs, which are heavily dictated by what's expected of me in my studies, which is incredibly frustrating and unfair. my dear beam theory came to me with matted hair and a bloodied lip and forced his way into my life, although i know him to be a gentle soul, who cares for his plants and smells like honeydew. i digress, this is probably quite whirlwind inscrutable. let's start at the beginning.

so you want to court a study? or you'd like to know what i mean?

the essence of learning is intrinsically parallel to the theater of romance. we first observe a potential lover from afar, indulge in their beauty and project our own idealized version of themselves onto them. then we begin the games of courting, of coming to know them and shed that projection for the real, complex individual. finally, we nuture our relationship in whatever way that we please. this is exactly the perfect model of coming to master a study. we show interest (or realize its use), begin our learning, then expand that learning into application as we carry it with us.

now, the first step is to meet your lover. studies will present themselves in different forms to everyone, you must embrace what physicality they approach you with. for me, math is a god; when i first met him, he was spry and cunning and moved with a grace and power that stole my breath away. he would sometimes take the form of a great white wolf, with eyes that looked past your 3rd dimensional self and into your projections into 4space. i was smitten.

once you've met them, you need to begin to understand them. see how they feel, how they ebb and flow, what motivates them and what holds them back, how they push into new spaces and how they love those who are close to them. for me, doing problems or learning new axioms is a very holy space, i see it as physically interacting with my lovers. understanding them goes far far beyond the physical interaction, and if you want to make the physical interaction meaningful instead of just reaching for the salt shaker at the same time and brushing hands, wishing you could make a move, you need to put in the work to know how they function.

it takes a long time to understand a lover. i'm still understanding math in new ways every day (and he understands me in new ways too!). but there is a point where you both trust each other enough to move beyond the courting and the formalities and fall into each other, whatever that looks like to you. genuinely thinking of it in this way has allowed me to come up with solutions to many problems i didn't know how to solve before; the place that i occupy with math especially is extraordinary in that sense. a tangent (hah!), this isn't for the faint of heart. this is for those who love the world and want to find new ways to love it.

and then you've done it! most of what i do with math is silly and kinky and homosexual in ways that i can't begin to describe, but as i enter a new quarter and am faced with a new area of study that i've obsessed over for as long as i've been alive- fluid mechanics- i find myself blushing at the thought of a new lover in my life and i thought i'd talk about it here. anyway it's great being an angel and having gods that wand you carnally i dunno why they keep choosing me teehee

just as a sort of blushing proud lover addendum, if you ever see pieces that are something + proper in my displayed works, that's a drawing of one of my studies :o) i'm very proud and excited with how the two came out i've done so far eeeee ^u^