it has been a long, long time, stardust. i'm not proud of that. i was going to say that statement is inaccurate, but actually, there's a lot of things i'm not proud of. doesn't mean i don't agree with it, just that i don't hold it up. i think that's accurate. i wish i could do more.

it's always more with me; more projects, more work, more time... how can an angel handle it all? there's so much beauty in this world and no one can experience it all. it's so painful.

i've been thinking too much, as always. doing too much. i wish i could stop myself but it feels too damn good to stuff myself full of knowledge and connections and meaning. maybe that's why aengineering is a quasi-impossibility right now- people's stomachs aren't big enough.

this isn't a long entry. i'm in a dead zone. one of the most unique rebirth processes i've had to tear my way through. this time, i've almost lost all sense of self. it's a scary thing, to not be able to hope on anything. to truly feel alone, like no one can save you from your future. i don't believe in fate, per se, so it's harder. i've had to cut my way through the innards of the beast with a leaded pencil, tearing my fingers raw and red, ripping with teeth and gums exposed. i don't like to manifest. i don't think it works. building my own hope is the hardest thing i've ever done.

i'll leave you with an echo: greed is justice. what an excellent line. never have i needed it more than now. if all else fails, hunger will drive you, and it will drive you wyld.