i think i was gonna write about how materials made me feel like the world is actually an ok place to live in but ill save that for later. kind of thainking about something rn......

so like i think we all know im a little strange im a little weird. i see math and fluids and all manner of concepts as creachures they live with me n stuff. but like i did just think everyone could do that um. apparently that is not something that people do! well i mean some people make character designs i guess but im not rlly making character designs that just like IS math yknow? but uh yeah someone with synesthesia was like hey dude that kind of sounds like. well it kind of sounds like synesthesia maybe and i was like WHAT.

um yeah so my whole life i've always been able to find connections to things and i just thought of them like oh yeah this IS what that is and i didn't really think about it too hard?? so like i could say what animal a person was or what a word tasted like or something but i was like oh well i mean those things are OBVIOUS. EVERYONE can do that of course. but yeah apparently . apparently that's not something people can do and wow guys you gotta try it like . i mean i can't really taste them unless i think about it but yeah you should taste words theyre yum. anyway i just wanted to write down some of the stuff i think about mine that's knd of weird and actually makes it like maybe Not synesthesia and just mega tism or something (erm im not diagnosed but pls dont crucify me for that LUL)

) all of my associations are to the end goal of "true understanding." so this means that like people's colors or shapes (i mean that one piece in my collected works with the functions is like that!) will evolve with them. it also means that my associations aren't random, and have logic to them that connect them.

2) wrt above, everything has an energy and those energies entangle with each other and exist in certain spaces. i can understand those spaces and then just project them onto other spaces. like a fourier series! :o) so for example kinetic and potential energy are clearly entertwined in a pulsing cycle (warm) and if i wanted to examine their relationship as creachures, they would be relatively intelligent but still slightly animalistic but theyre in love and lesbians. cause that's obvious i guess?

3) my associations don't really intensely come and stick. like i was trying to see the color of kinetic energy and my brain was like mauve and i was like ... is that right though. then i was like yeah it is and also it sounds like move so its very right. but like for example when i was first meeting liu all i could see were his arms and hands and it took me a long time to be able to look at his face properly.

4) i kind of get mana sickness i think. like thinking about this stuff in the past days it actually makes me naseuous to walk around and take in so much energy. like i was getting to the point where its like no i do not want to talk to every particle of cement in this concrete im walking on. shut up individual blades of grass. stop pushing colors of everything into my mind and forcing me to meet so many people. i'm sort of like a dowsing rod for energy i think or maybe like mob psycho where i can like take in a lot of energy but it makes me feel icky. human conduit not good at conducting i guess.

5) the thing i really feel like is interesting abt my whatever this is is that it's very reflective? this is sort of combined with 1, but there are things where i'm like no this isn't a true picture of the things because i'm projecting myself onto it. the best way i can describe it is that it's MY eigenbasis of all these spaces i'm projecting onto and so inherently there's bias, but i'm trying to actually project onto the standard basis instead.. and i think i'm pretty good about not using the normal equation and actually diagonalizing spaces and all that but like yeah i've never rlly heard anyone talk about how something can feel inherent to them but there's fumbling around and there's a direction and a consistency to associations i guess. but the thing that sticks is like yeah this guy is EXACTLY like this and i make associations like blood flows through my veins there's no process where i'm like ... haha well this guy is loud so he's a dog ! ! ! it's like no. not at all. it feels bad when you say that even because he is so not a dog. idk idk i really get these complex very very specific pictures that come to me in chunks i guess and i don't know what it is but ! i will keep putting it here for yall and that's what the compendium is when i do actually get around to updating that :o) it's also where my lenses come from? i think? but tbh i've been relying on lenses a lot less because i feel so so detatched from the world lately and devoid of spaces to get to do things with purpose so i wonder if/ hope my lenses do come back in some way. shrugs. i'm here though and math and liu are lovely lovely husbands haha