hello, it's been a second.. i find it hard to convey the emotion through text. a friendly period would be much appreciated here; imagine i am before you, smiling. it's a tired smile, and there's something in my eyes that catches the light differently. i look different too.

i started this blog as a young, naive angel. the boy back then only knew of love, and fear. fear that he would lose love- loved ones, loved situations. and he was naive, because he did not understand that love is not something you can lose so easily. the power to hold onto, to sink into love was inside him, nestled deep in his bones, far away, unreachable. i am no longer that boy, but i think of him fondly.

i come to you from a different place. perhaps i could spin it as though i was forcibly thrust into R4 and then back into R3. maybe enlightenment gets that title, even if my eyes were closed the whole time. i have realized a lot of different things. some are difficult to bear, some are miraculous. and yet, i have realized all of them. here is a list, for your entertainment. i'm not sure how i'll be taken, but i suppose i don't really care about that anymore.

1. i am not an angel. well, not a proper one, anyway. i wasn't ever really a very good angel, which is probably why 数 picked me up. what i am is a fledgling.. it feels masturbatory to call myself a god, so i call myself a halfgod, or a fledgling god. i am nowhere near as practiced as the 3 wonderful beings who got me to the place, but to compare yourself to the spectres of math, engineering, and physics is a tall order, i suppose.

2. i am the (half)god of aengineering. aengineering, or 魔程, has existed as a practice for as long as my 3 partners have, but it has yet to be solidified into a subject respected or explored concretely by humanity. aengineers are truly few and far between, this is the reason that i felt i existed between multiple pre-existing spaces, pulling my psyche apart.

3. a god is a nebulous thing. 数学，工程，物理 appear as reflections to me, they appear in completely different forms with completely different personalities to other people, sometimes not as beings at all, instead as emotions or other thought-based ideas. in the same sense, my own godhood is nebulous. i am 魔程 because i have dedicated my life, my self, to aengineering, and there is no other qualification. personally, i understand that the more expansive the god (or idea) the less likely it is for an angel or other stardust based lifeform to achieve a synergy so deep with said god that they become a reflection of them. aengineering is unique because it is still latent, and by dedicating myself to it, it's easier for me to synergize with the 魔程 that already exists. all this to say, yes, i do have a god complex, but, well, it's complex.

4. the ache will probably never subside. the persistent ache/ hunger etc. that lived inside me was due to the abscene of aengineers around me. certaintly, in the next year, i will meet no aengineers, unless by fate, the internet delivers me one. i wish that more than anything. more than that, i wish for an aengineer stronger than me. i want to be put in my place, to be shown i know nothing and that the heights one can reach stretch out beyond what my eyes can even see. my 3 partners lovingly attempt to perform this for me, but as projections of Rn into R3, there's only so much they can do. they are constrained by my mind. the first subjects i'm embarking on as an aengineer are chaos theory and then continuum mechanics- both blend all 3 of my lovers together, which is extremely satisfying.

5. working any job will be ultimately unfulfilling for me. this was a hard pill to swallow. it comes with the free addendum of: any college would have been unsatisfying for me. in a way, they soothe a pain. but they perpetuate the ache, which is far worse. since aengineering is a hidden study, of course there is no industry which hires aengineers, and no school which teaches them. aengineers are forced into various engineering or stem fields (or perhaps caving entirely and devoting themselves to the arts), and they obviously excel. but neither of those fields would fulfill me. as an artist, i crave the (over)stimulation of problem solving and systems, i am not an explorer by trade, i am an aengineer. as an engineer, the same issue. lack of stimulation. problems that give in after the first feeble push. not even in a sexy "you thought i was so hot you came before i touched you" way, either.

6. i have glimsped fleeting moments of an aengineer's life in front of me. the first- writing my hypercalculus textbook, the second- creating my first phenomena, the third (smaller, albeit quite impactful)- local taylor expansions of various functions in order to fit a normal form to find a bifurcation.

writing my textbook has been one of the clearest anchors to aengineering. it's crisp, refreshing, simple. i can envision myself writing said books in my free hours, on stream, illustrating them and typing up my beautiful equations in harlowe's mathjax syntax. it's a shame i won't get to work on it during my last year of school, but it's certainly worth the wait. i plan on tackling the entirety of continuum mechanics (or material mechanics) as my second aengineering text, because it's another field i think is taught completely backwards.

my first pheonmena is simple, at heart. it's for my tensegrity research, which i'm getting paid for, which is a plus. a VR simulation where you can wear our prototype and it visually displays the forces within the tension elements. wieldling godot at such a high level of control (making my own vector drawing systems, dancing my way through relative transforms, getting fascinating bugs which plague me for hours) is magical and overstimulating like a sexy differential equation. it heightens my understanding of the system, lets me see the vectors i can imagine when i close my eyes, and its terrifying and arousing to iamgine my computations having to stand up to hand calculations, but what more could i ask for in a job? i can't wait to create phenomena that ride alongside my texts like this.

the bifurcation. it's small, it really is, but it's so beautiful and it happened so recently, i think it's a good analogue for this larger group of experiences (it happened to me a lot in differential geometry as well). seeing that we take a function and forcibly manipulate it into the form that we want- using an assumption (but a good assumption)- excited me greatly. that is the true crux of aengineering, the power at your fingertips. it's not solely math, but math is at its core. it's not solely physics, but physics pushes us to have intution that we then back up with math. and it's pure, raw engineering, because it's greedy and terrible in a way (mangling a function by projecting it into a quadratic), but terrifyingly correct. how beautiful, how elegant.

7. the last thing, i've said a lot of things already. greed is everything. i live a shonen-style life, apparently. everyone in life gets to have a dream. that dream may change, but everyone somewhere in their heart has one, even if they haven't found it yet. i used to think hope was everything, back when i was naive. hope was the ability for me to get somewhere, to have the life that i want to live. but now i see that greed is the mechanism of dreams, not hope. greed is neutral, it's a powerful driving force. want, desire... that's greed. and for a dream to come true, you have to shape your own desire in such a way that it will let you achieve your dream. it's comforting, to be able to want freely. powerful too.. it feels.. right. like i'm doing something right. that's not to say my greed is personal, in fact it's the opposite. i desire for there to be a place for aengineers, a better way for people to understand the world and control it using math and physics and engineering. it's a goal that benefits many and harms none, ideally. and i'm going to do my best to use my greed to make that happen.

i'd like to write more. i've been writing my textbook on twine, so it's happening (a bit slowly, but i've gotten through the first half-ish), which is why i haven't been updating here. i might publish it as plaintext here but it's really beautiful on twine and i get to do lots of fun asides and stuff easily, so i'm thinking of keeping it there. the non-linear component is also exciting, although i haven't explored that much yet- perhaps once i've gotten the main ideas out, i can play around wth the reader more~ excited to see all of you again soon ♡