4.27.2024
i feel like i'm very scared all the time now about small life things. i don't know why like. just getting food or existing around people makes me think i'm going to blow up but i think i'd like to try living on my own at some point so i can not worry about it... although that might not fix the problem? then again it's not like exposure is fixing the problem it's just making it worse lowkey lol.
i feel like i'm very scared all the time now about small life things. i don't know why like. just getting food or existing around people makes me think i'm going to blow up but i think i'd like to try living on my own at some point so i can not worry about it... although that might not fix the problem? then again it's not like exposure is fixing the problem it's just making it worse lowkey lol.
3.29.2024
yet again the jester is shunted while the king feasts. or lives, i suppose. i grasp at straws like i always do and take the same damn path i always walk by myself. at some point i won't have the energy to think it'll be different. it's sort of uniquely painful, to be an angel and to love humans so strongly and yet none of them depend on you; that there's always someone else who matters more to them. all of them matter so much to me it can't even fit in my chest. i don't know how people can stand it, maybe it's just being human but it's so so painful.
yet again the jester is shunted while the king feasts. or lives, i suppose. i grasp at straws like i always do and take the same damn path i always walk by myself. at some point i won't have the energy to think it'll be different. it's sort of uniquely painful, to be an angel and to love humans so strongly and yet none of them depend on you; that there's always someone else who matters more to them. all of them matter so much to me it can't even fit in my chest. i don't know how people can stand it, maybe it's just being human but it's so so painful.
3.25.2024
ok follow up i've had this feeling inside me for like a Long Time and i didn't know how to describe it but i think being trans really made it make sense to me. labels and shit are literally just meaningless to me. like i'm a man right and that has meaning just because i'm in a space that cares about men. but like let's say a gay man wants to fuck me (a man). i'm a man to him, but transphobic people think i'm a woman, so who's right? is he still gay? do we see how this literally does not matter. everyone is people... if you wanna have sex, cool. if you don't want to have sex and you don't like it or it just makes you uncomfortable, also cool. if cis people weren't so up in arms about gendering things (like if i lived in china where there's one pronoun for everyone- ta), i don't really think it would matter if i was a man or not, i'm just some guy who likes to look a certain way and has certain body parts. idk maybe that's why it's very hard for me to think about relationship stuff in terms of the attratcion/ split attraction model. like if i get my wife flowers, that's romantic (maybe, i guess). but if i get my friends flowers, is that romantic? no, but if it's my on and off boytoy...maybe? this is literally just cyclic and stupid let's just love everyone we want to love and stop putting things in our way that are gonna seperate us from other people oog.
ok follow up i've had this feeling inside me for like a Long Time and i didn't know how to describe it but i think being trans really made it make sense to me. labels and shit are literally just meaningless to me. like i'm a man right and that has meaning just because i'm in a space that cares about men. but like let's say a gay man wants to fuck me (a man). i'm a man to him, but transphobic people think i'm a woman, so who's right? is he still gay? do we see how this literally does not matter. everyone is people... if you wanna have sex, cool. if you don't want to have sex and you don't like it or it just makes you uncomfortable, also cool. if cis people weren't so up in arms about gendering things (like if i lived in china where there's one pronoun for everyone- ta), i don't really think it would matter if i was a man or not, i'm just some guy who likes to look a certain way and has certain body parts. idk maybe that's why it's very hard for me to think about relationship stuff in terms of the attratcion/ split attraction model. like if i get my wife flowers, that's romantic (maybe, i guess). but if i get my friends flowers, is that romantic? no, but if it's my on and off boytoy...maybe? this is literally just cyclic and stupid let's just love everyone we want to love and stop putting things in our way that are gonna seperate us from other people oog.
3.25.2024
saw a post about how people need to make everything about romance and how that person was thinking it's flattening more complex relationships etc. etc. ... i see it as people don't think we can feel love for people without it being romantic. society has pushed us to believe that the only way we can express truly being connected to something/ someone is to be in a relationship and i don't think that's people's faults for assigning things they see with that deep connection a romantic label, that's just what they've been taught. i love everything very deeply and wholly like i love math the same way i love my wife. all my love comes from the same well like the love i feel for my mom and dad and brother is like the love i feel for the wind on the breeze and the sun on my skin, i'm in tune with all of them and it melds into just a singular love. so i don't disagree that it's reductive to try and assign romantic relationships to everything but most people just don't have the vocabulary to express how they really feel and it just makes me sad for them rather than angry at them, you know?
i think it's also why i have a hard time sometimes thinking about aro/aceness since it's very much centered around like never feeling Love but to me to eat is to love and to breath is to love and to live is to love and i really can't relate to such a smaller definition of the word being assigned to it ... maybe i'm just like way too neurodivergent about word meanings though. idk. i love you aro and ace people never feel like you have to do things that don't fulfill you, find the way that you love the world and are loved back by it, whatever form that takes.
saw a post about how people need to make everything about romance and how that person was thinking it's flattening more complex relationships etc. etc. ... i see it as people don't think we can feel love for people without it being romantic. society has pushed us to believe that the only way we can express truly being connected to something/ someone is to be in a relationship and i don't think that's people's faults for assigning things they see with that deep connection a romantic label, that's just what they've been taught. i love everything very deeply and wholly like i love math the same way i love my wife. all my love comes from the same well like the love i feel for my mom and dad and brother is like the love i feel for the wind on the breeze and the sun on my skin, i'm in tune with all of them and it melds into just a singular love. so i don't disagree that it's reductive to try and assign romantic relationships to everything but most people just don't have the vocabulary to express how they really feel and it just makes me sad for them rather than angry at them, you know?
i think it's also why i have a hard time sometimes thinking about aro/aceness since it's very much centered around like never feeling Love but to me to eat is to love and to breath is to love and to live is to love and i really can't relate to such a smaller definition of the word being assigned to it ... maybe i'm just like way too neurodivergent about word meanings though. idk. i love you aro and ace people never feel like you have to do things that don't fulfill you, find the way that you love the world and are loved back by it, whatever form that takes.
3.17.2024
need to slip into my gojo mindset for my dynamics exam tmrw... haven't had too much of a sexy wild god complex internally and i think i deserve it a little for finals since i've been studying like a mad mage for the past week.5 .... also random, but obsessed with adding .5 to letters like in mechanics of materials i need a point between a and b? a.5 . yeah i said it. who's gonna stop me
need to slip into my gojo mindset for my dynamics exam tmrw... haven't had too much of a sexy wild god complex internally and i think i deserve it a little for finals since i've been studying like a mad mage for the past week.5 .... also random, but obsessed with adding .5 to letters like in mechanics of materials i need a point between a and b? a.5 . yeah i said it. who's gonna stop me
3.12.2024
feels like this every time i want to eat lately
how do you deal with eating problems when it's legitmately not about eating its just about living with people and being perceived bc it's going to kill my spirit if not hurt my body at some point. it's so hard to describe because like my boything will ask what i want to eat in a house that isn't mine and i look around and see nothing but rocks and stones and i say ramen like thats something i can get myself to eat and it's like ok go make it and i'm like. your house is going to see me and i don't know where your pot is and i feel like your stove hates me and my hands are shaking when i open the packet and you comment on how i stir things and the fire is too hot. and how do i say that. how do i say it's not about you but the abscence of other people's support and the hole it made in me.
the reason i liked sanji so much is because he was like me he would never be full and yet he would also make me full does anybody get it
feels like this every time i want to eat lately
how do you deal with eating problems when it's legitmately not about eating its just about living with people and being perceived bc it's going to kill my spirit if not hurt my body at some point. it's so hard to describe because like my boything will ask what i want to eat in a house that isn't mine and i look around and see nothing but rocks and stones and i say ramen like thats something i can get myself to eat and it's like ok go make it and i'm like. your house is going to see me and i don't know where your pot is and i feel like your stove hates me and my hands are shaking when i open the packet and you comment on how i stir things and the fire is too hot. and how do i say that. how do i say it's not about you but the abscence of other people's support and the hole it made in me.
the reason i liked sanji so much is because he was like me he would never be full and yet he would also make me full does anybody get it
3.10.2024
omg im so obsessed with hadestown its . so good. if someone had told me it was like?? a folk opera/ jazz/ bluegrass/ soul i would have been on this shit SO FAST it is so swinging . god i wish i could be in a production of it fuck its so good and the set design too and SIGH. SIGH !!!! THE METAPHORS ITS SOOOOOO GOOD. watching a bootleg of it and man im so glad i decided to try and find one instead of just listening bc it rlly is so so so worth it its so good fuck. go watch it ! ! !
omg im so obsessed with hadestown its . so good. if someone had told me it was like?? a folk opera/ jazz/ bluegrass/ soul i would have been on this shit SO FAST it is so swinging . god i wish i could be in a production of it fuck its so good and the set design too and SIGH. SIGH !!!! THE METAPHORS ITS SOOOOOO GOOD. watching a bootleg of it and man im so glad i decided to try and find one instead of just listening bc it rlly is so so so worth it its so good fuck. go watch it ! ! !
3.2.2024
my wife said she would cook food for me. sniffles and cries
my wife said she would cook food for me. sniffles and cries
3.2.2024
good news i am not a court jester but i do win the spoils of a king. but every day i realize i suck at being a human, i stg they didn't install the proper food protocols over my photosynthesis ones when i went through my humanization process to be a guardian angel. either that or it's trauma but god damn. this shit sucks man i'm gonna have to store emergency soilent in my bag or something i guess.
WAIT IT'S SANJI'S BIRTHDAY? HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANGEL. YOU'RE THE WORST BUT ALSO MY FAVORITE !!!!!!
good news i am not a court jester but i do win the spoils of a king. but every day i realize i suck at being a human, i stg they didn't install the proper food protocols over my photosynthesis ones when i went through my humanization process to be a guardian angel. either that or it's trauma but god damn. this shit sucks man i'm gonna have to store emergency soilent in my bag or something i guess.
WAIT IT'S SANJI'S BIRTHDAY? HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANGEL. YOU'RE THE WORST BUT ALSO MY FAVORITE !!!!!!
2.28.2024
cautiously awkwardly laughably suspicious at a certain boythings movement patterns. what is he cooking..... i've been burned on the stove but i like the pain so i dunno if i'd say no, youknow what i mean (i am but a court jester to a king who ruled certuries ago and is no longer in the public eye).
cautiously awkwardly laughably suspicious at a certain boythings movement patterns. what is he cooking..... i've been burned on the stove but i like the pain so i dunno if i'd say no, youknow what i mean (i am but a court jester to a king who ruled certuries ago and is no longer in the public eye).
2.25.2024
sigh my page is so messy. i really need to do a massive rehaul and link everything properly and top off some of the stuff that i'm not going to use (but yk still looks nice) but grrrr grrrr youknow. feels like i don't have time (i do) (i spend it working on yitaiwang or on the dynamics i should be doing right now) (i'm not doing them oops)
sigh my page is so messy. i really need to do a massive rehaul and link everything properly and top off some of the stuff that i'm not going to use (but yk still looks nice) but grrrr grrrr youknow. feels like i don't have time (i do) (i spend it working on yitaiwang or on the dynamics i should be doing right now) (i'm not doing them oops)
12.20.2023
smashing my head in bc the universe is trying to get me to lose so much hope in so much (everything) and im just so tired. i can't keep doing it. no one else hopes. how are u supposed to make it through as a human. you all are miserable all the time. what do you do about it.
smashing my head in bc the universe is trying to get me to lose so much hope in so much (everything) and im just so tired. i can't keep doing it. no one else hopes. how are u supposed to make it through as a human. you all are miserable all the time. what do you do about it.
12.12.2023
tunshi is rusting and aching and crumbling before my eyes. how the golden fall; it's iredeemably painful for me to watch, but there's nothing i can do. i live with a steel brush and polish under my sink, just in case, but he runs in the rain to catch a sheath that doesn't fit. the oddities of the human condition truly befall us all, the cyclic dance is ironic. but hey, at least i'm not churning myself unto a thin paste in a mortar and pestle engraved with a name that i'll speak in a vow. it really is so human to crush yourself under a force that will never acknowledge you.
tunshi is rusting and aching and crumbling before my eyes. how the golden fall; it's iredeemably painful for me to watch, but there's nothing i can do. i live with a steel brush and polish under my sink, just in case, but he runs in the rain to catch a sheath that doesn't fit. the oddities of the human condition truly befall us all, the cyclic dance is ironic. but hey, at least i'm not churning myself unto a thin paste in a mortar and pestle engraved with a name that i'll speak in a vow. it really is so human to crush yourself under a force that will never acknowledge you.
12.11.2023
what if there was one wavelength where eveyr time a human died we produced a noise on that wavelength that could be heard anywhere in the universe . but we just havent found it yet .... ? and then theres also one for flies too i guess
what if there was one wavelength where eveyr time a human died we produced a noise on that wavelength that could be heard anywhere in the universe . but we just havent found it yet .... ? and then theres also one for flies too i guess
12.10.2023
considering posting my different beams for frameworks for each course I take. not hard & fast rules but it would also help keep me accountable with keeping track of all the beams haha.
considering posting my different beams for frameworks for each course I take. not hard & fast rules but it would also help keep me accountable with keeping track of all the beams haha.
11.18.2023
i wanted to make this a seperate piece instead of putting it in the anthology, but i'm not quite sure why. maybe i still don't want to tarnish the sanctity of that simple, beautiful cathedral.
i had a seeing off ceremony for tunshi yesterday. it's hard to acknowledge that the man you loved doesn't exist anymore. humans are strange and warped and sometimes they grow worse instead of getting better. i wanted to be a supporting pole, so that his trunk could grow correctly, but nothing but himself could stop his ascent.
i wanted to make this a seperate piece instead of putting it in the anthology, but i'm not quite sure why. maybe i still don't want to tarnish the sanctity of that simple, beautiful cathedral.
i had a seeing off ceremony for tunshi yesterday. it's hard to acknowledge that the man you loved doesn't exist anymore. humans are strange and warped and sometimes they grow worse instead of getting better. i wanted to be a supporting pole, so that his trunk could grow correctly, but nothing but himself could stop his ascent.
11.11.2023
i ache. terribly. i miss acting. i miss my wife. i want to press my tongue to someone's throat and feel their words through their skin. do you understand? people don't seem to.
i ache. terribly. i miss acting. i miss my wife. i want to press my tongue to someone's throat and feel their words through their skin. do you understand? people don't seem to.
10.8.2023 being an engineer with ultra tism or being an angel engineer is so hard because i need to rant about how people will praise standards and clarity and conciseness and detail and then turn around and spit it all of those concepts faces by forcing you to assume things constantly. the idea of dimensioning is that there is only one interpretation of the part (we have to correct dimensions for homework). i know nothing about this part. sure, i could dimension this ledge from the datum but what if it needs to be aligned with another part that lines up with a hole? and that's why they put that dimension there? and for datums, we're supposed to """"pick the largest surface area"""" but that's not even right all the time and is that surface area defined by its length in the view normal to it or the surface area of the whole actual face it represents?
my data analysis lab professor literally commented "this is why we have to make a very reasonable assumption..." full stop. don't talk anymore. you've just lost all your credibility to me. you just said we need to make an assumption in the "dont make assumptions" class. it makes me feel insane and no one else sees it, what the hell. if me with all my gojo Six Eyes detail aware powers can't bunny hop over the canyon of the assumption that you just made that we've Never discussed in class and seems like a very unreasonable assumption based off of how the lecture treats taking measurements, then i doubt anyone else is going to get it either. maybe im just too crazy though or i care too much what the fuck ever man.
my data analysis lab professor literally commented "this is why we have to make a very reasonable assumption..." full stop. don't talk anymore. you've just lost all your credibility to me. you just said we need to make an assumption in the "dont make assumptions" class. it makes me feel insane and no one else sees it, what the hell. if me with all my gojo Six Eyes detail aware powers can't bunny hop over the canyon of the assumption that you just made that we've Never discussed in class and seems like a very unreasonable assumption based off of how the lecture treats taking measurements, then i doubt anyone else is going to get it either. maybe im just too crazy though or i care too much what the fuck ever man.
10.6.2023 man im like. really depressed. i just feel like nothing i do gets seen by anyone or cared about at all and that all the effort i put in doesn't amount to anything. actually have never felt this bad in a long time or that i can remember. sigh.
9.29.2023 went to a table read and instantly clicked back into it. reading a super fun + enticing show called "an invitation out," like earnest but vr. loved it :o) really pulled me out of everything for a bit, which i needed very much. the guy who played wridget (colin. just saying so i don't forget) and i had good chemistry, i'd like to think. would love to end up doing this one on stage and ill probably be addicted to going back to readings every week heh.
9.29.2023 i dunno why i thought this one thing would work out. i guess i just don't really think about that stuff because i just hope too much. curse of an angel. i wish people wanted me though.
9.12.2023 wow im talky today anyway one of my favorite comments from when i just started reading OP was (to my brother) "so when does usopp eat a devil fruit" . this will never happen .
9.12.2023 god it would be so sick to design a shichibukai who's based around the face changing ceremony .... maybe one day teehee
9.12.2023 in an interesting way, t is very much a drug for my mind as well as my body. i've always struggled with feeling all emotions very strongly so negative ones were so incredibly hard to make it through, but t dampens them in a very useful and gentle way. i still feel the highs just as high, if not higher as well. surprisingly (or maybe not surprisngly) arousal is also different, it fuzzes out and clouds my mind in such a fascinating way now. thanks t i loveyou :o)
9.11.2023 i need to remember to learn to waltz. parties are so boring to me but i really want to host a ball/ soiree at some point with dancing and very formal polite vibes ^_^ just randomly crossed my mind.
9.10.2023 latest treat is to let myself watch OP anime eps skipping to all the sanji parts when i get something done well with work. this shit rules actually he's so close 2 my wife im obsessed with him . anyway hi yes im normal (not normal)
9.9.2023 insane about one piece now .... might make a sanji shrine LOL he's . he's so me and also my girlwife he would get so pegged ok no one gets him like me...
like a good angel i am also insane about zosan obviously (also sanzo . side note once i realized what the order of ship names meant i cannot get it out of my head). i need to draw zoro taking care of sanji after him getting fucked up in fights bc that blonde mfer canonically breaks bones like every fight and goes in hella underleveled sometimes so. cmon i know zoro gets beat up a lot too and its cute for sanji to be all like omgeeee mr. strongman you dumb bitch BUT . zoro being sweet? sanji is already pathetic it's perfect.
like a good angel i am also insane about zosan obviously (also sanzo . side note once i realized what the order of ship names meant i cannot get it out of my head). i need to draw zoro taking care of sanji after him getting fucked up in fights bc that blonde mfer canonically breaks bones like every fight and goes in hella underleveled sometimes so. cmon i know zoro gets beat up a lot too and its cute for sanji to be all like omgeeee mr. strongman you dumb bitch BUT . zoro being sweet? sanji is already pathetic it's perfect.
9.4.2023 lots been going on the past few days. bricked phone meant i lost all my first year college photos. riding the waves up and down with my lover, capsizing, washing ashore. i'm struck by a simple image though.
been strangely attuned to the idea of screenprinting lately. thinking about spending golden hours in a studio with large open windows, doing a print run. then, hands covered in dried inks, kissing my wife at sunset. angelhood is a strange drug.
been strangely attuned to the idea of screenprinting lately. thinking about spending golden hours in a studio with large open windows, doing a print run. then, hands covered in dried inks, kissing my wife at sunset. angelhood is a strange drug.
8.29.2023 why am i genuinely narratively doomed to lose all my lovers because of loving too much. dear god. how does this happen every damn time. i really thought i broke the cycle man. im not like ... i'm not lost forever but it's just i can't catch a break huh.
this one was. a personal favorite of mine too. fuck. we were so deliciously paralleled with gojo and geto and he's just i. i haven;t cried as hard as i did in a long time.
this one was. a personal favorite of mine too. fuck. we were so deliciously paralleled with gojo and geto and he's just i. i haven;t cried as hard as i did in a long time.
8.27.2023 this is just gonna be my personal twitter tbh. i've been reading birds of maine lately and it is such a gorgeous book. super inspiring to me brainwise ^_^
8.26.2023 man vtubers are like. so wild i can't believe i'm technically a part of that community sometimes argh... no real shade to anyone, do what u wanna do but like... it is the most stagnant creative space i think i've ever been a part of... so many people who aren't finding what they actually wanna do before they start making content and also so many people being un genuine. anyway i meow irl so this makes me morally win as a vtuber or something
8.25.2023 i watch so many artist's shop updates/vlogs and i love them all but every single time someone uses resin i do cringe into my soul. holy shit it is the least safe thing i've ever seen people consistently do LOL. when my shop opens. you have the blessing of knowing that i am not going to misuse resin ^3^
8.24.2023 im watching this one artist's video and they keep talking about "creative risks" and like. i think people have forgotten the word for exploration and curiousity OMEGALUL
stability to me is like. are you peaceful, are you calm, do you feel safe, do you know how to find happiness easily, can you get a hug every day, things like that. and creative stability to me is like... can you make art when you want to, without outside forces stopping you?
a creative RISK to me is like. i need to spend $2000 to produce this plush and im not sure if people are going to buy it. or like... i'm going to quit my day job and become an artist. stuff that is a legitimate risk yk like it's a gamble you're taking.
what i think this person is talking abotu is actually just curiousity + exploration, and what they experienced before wasn't Stability, it was stagnation. we all stagnate from time to time, it's very normal. but sometimes you gotta pour that standing bucket of water into a new place and put some fish in it and mix in fresh water and rainwater and then bam you're not stagnant anymore.
i very much dislike the culture of saying that "stress" and "risk" are good things. that is incorrect. those words have negative connotations; stress is an ever present part to life, but it's not something you want to seek out, it's what comes with being passionate about something. risk is pretty much the same, there are going to be risks when you explore, but it's not the risk you're searchng for, it's the exploration itself you focus on.
maybe i'm just way too into words n stuff but. yeah things like this really get me because it's like... you're almost redefining that word at this point LOL
ps. i feel like there are two kinds of exploration as well. there's that general exploration, trying new media or techniques but there's also theme exploration... i find it very lonely to be creating things the way i do because there's almost no one i know who's making art that's metaphor and abstract and about themes n stuff but i really wish more people would try it because it is Mega eye opening truly.